Christmas Poem

Well, I do this thing every year.

A Christmas Poem.

I really don't know why I started, I just know now that people come to expect it. Since I am very reluctant to start traditions, let alone continue them, I figured my once a year stream of consciousness delivery of a whole host of Christmas-y things could be that one festive device that I continue to maintain. Feel free to not be offended by any religious or Christmas figures being depicted in the poem as I mean none of them (even the Easter bunny, who can pretty much kiss my Yuletide-ass) any disrespect. So with some festive spirit and a grain of salt, for those that still care, or those that are new to the tradition:

(feel free to forward on, or post in your profile, a dupe of this production can also be found here: LINK)

"The annual Stu Robinson X-mas Poem, 2005"

Twas the night before Christmas, and Heaven was a glow-

It was Jesus' Pre-Birthday Bash and the angels were about to start the show.

Upon his throne next to God, Jesus was sitting quite chill,

Having seen the cherub acts, and the seraphim's, the Archangels now took top bill.

Jesus sat, and was calmly shaking a shaker full of Ice-

Preparing for all, some Martinis of Christ.

The lights all went down, and guitars started to wail,

Then boomed to life with a power chord from the Axe of Gabriel.

It is earthly knowledge that angles love to sing-

But very few have ever seen Azrael play a bass with his wings.

The party was (as always) a heavenly sight

And It rocked on well into the night.

It was roughly 2 minutes into a song he knew really well,

When Jesus heard the chirp of his Holy-Nex Tel.

"Yo JC its K squared,"

"I've made a big mistake and I'm not prepared"

"You'll figure it out" Jesus said with a sip of his drink

"All you need to do is stop and think"

Kris Kringle breathed deep and let out a sigh

"You don't understand, I let the one of the elves borrow the sled for a ride-

"I'ts crazy I know, but i thought it would be back"

"Now I am way behind schedule and I am about to crack"

Jesus said "No chance a wayward elf will slow my boy's roll"

And by the time his phone flipped shut, he was in the north poll.

"His name was Curtis The Elf, and for Christmas he wanted a ride in the sleigh"

Santa shook his head, "How was i supposed to know things would turn out this way?"

"We'll find that Elf and get back your sleigh," Jesus said with a grin-

Santa shook his head and said "Come on man I've got no clue where to begin"

Jesus said "That's easy, he crashed just off the Jersey shore-

"and let me tell you that place sucks, I've been there before."

"How'd you know?" Santa asked, "That's pretty odd"

Jesus shrugged, pointed at his own hairy chest and said "Come on man, I'm the Son of God."

So to Jersey they went, they took Jesus's car

It went really fast, and it wasn't that far.

Atlantic City, New Jersey to be precise,

And Jesus was right, it wasn't all that nice.

It didn't take them long to find Curtis the Elf-

He was in a casino, gambling, and just beside himself.

"Stop right there, you were never to come back!" A bouncer shouted at Christ

"Last time you came you took us for millions with one roll of the dice"

Santa looked at Jesus with mild disdain

Jesus shrugged looked back and said "Hey man, craps is my game."

"Look we came for the Elf, we had better get him quick"

Jesus said with smirk, "If this is anything like Vegas, its about to get thick"

Curtis spotted them and tried to run, but Jesus has one hell of a reach-

Santa, Jc, and Curt, tore out of the casino and back to beach.

"Why did you steal the sleigh? " Santa was visibly upset.

"It certainly wasn't to come to Jersey and make lousy bets"

Curtis said with remorse "It was my buddy Frink, last year he died and fell into the vat-

Christmas just wasn't the same after all that.

"People don't even celebrate anymore, regardless of belief-

all it seems to do anymore is bring misery and grief.

People want this, and people want that-

Heck I remember when people all over used to wear santa hats.

Kids had wonder, and the elves all had work.

Now those little bastards don't even write, those jerks.

Naughty and Nice, I guess its all the same.

If Santa doesn't bring it, mom will just buy the video game.

I got so sick of it, so tired of the suck.

I decided to come to Atlantic City and change up my luck.

I thought if I took the sleigh and crashed it into the sea-

There wouldn't be anymore Chirstmas, for you or for me..."

Jesus looked at Santa with a knowing grin.

"I'll handle this." He said, "Let me begin."

"Elves come and Elves go

Sometimes it rains sometimes it snows

But Christmas is like life, sometimes good and sometimes bad

Some of them you get what you want, and some you get had.

But trust me when I say, that by taking away Santa, or Even his sleigh

You won't put a stop to this holiday.

It used to be just about me and my birthday and such

But I'll even admit, anymore, not so much.

But I learned as you will one day

That Christmas means a lot in a lot of different ways.

Now I'm not gonna get preachy, cause that's not my style,

Instead I think I'll send you on a vacation for a while.

Away from the all of the bells and all of the snow.

My wee little brother your ass is going to Mexico!"

So Curtis didn't learn the true meaning of Christmas in the way we all know

However He did drink some tequila and hooked up with some Mexican hoes.

Eventually He concluded that X-mas didn't have to make sense

It just helped to not pay attention to the needless pretense.

Back in Jersey they fished out Santa's sleigh

Santa slammed a few Red Bulls and he was on his way.

He delivered all his presents it did not take long,

He even swung by Jesus Birthday Party which was still going strong.

At last when he left, JC heard santa say as he blazed out of sight-

"Happy Birthday JC, thanks for setting things right."